


live without me

by hyunchans



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Comfort, Depression, Drinking, Head Injury, Heavy topics, Hospitalisation, Hurt, Intimacy, M/M, Mental Illness, Smoking, Substance Abuse, Toxic Relationship, hinted at suicidal thoughts, poorly executed interventions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:35:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28971429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunchans/pseuds/hyunchans
Summary: chan never understood addiction until he moved in with his boyfriend, hyunjin.things fell apart quickly, and one substance had enough power and control to make both individuals question what the fuck they were doing with their lives and who they were spending them with.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is a very heavy fic. this has taken a lot out of me to write this, and is very personal. please do not read this if you will be triggered by the content, please do not read this if you think you are going to have a hard time getting through it.

Doors slamming shut at two in the morning was something Chan had grown accustomed to very quickly. Within a month of living with his boyfriend of two years, it had become so common that he had learnt to leave the door unlocked so Hyunjin wouldn’t fumble with his keys for what felt like forever. Disordered sleeping was the new norm and so was the worry that filled his body when he was pulled from his slumber. He knew before he moved in with Hyunjin that he drank pretty regularly, but not to this extent. He'd been a social drinker, like most of their friends and co-workers. Except soon, Chan realized it was much more than what he had first assumed. One drink shortly turned to four which turned to eight which turned to Chan carrying him home, scared shitless and unsure of when it was the point to take him to the hospital and not home to bed.

He never could have prepared himself for the train wreck that was the love of his life to rip him apart, entirely unintentionally.

As though on a silent cue, Hyunjin switched the kitchen light and fan on, and the rummaging through the cupboards began. Chan sighed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and sitting up slowly in bed. He knew this could only go one of two ways, and he really hoped it would be the easier one. 

He fumbled for the shirt he’d thrown off earlier, pulling the loose fabric over his skin as he scuffed his feet into the slippers he kept next to his bed. Pots and pans clattered, sharp vibrations ringing through Chan’s ears as he emerged from the bedroom and into the hallway between his bed and the kitchen. As he reached the doorway he paused, preparing himself, reminding himself to be gentle. Tomorrow he would try to get Hyunjin to stay home, to have one sober night. Try being the keyword - he’d never succeed, not now when his boyfriend was far gone and he still couldn’t come to terms with it.

“Baby! Help me find the ramen I like, you know the pink one with the chicken on it?” Hyunjin threw his arms around Chan’s shoulders, his tall figure pressing against his shorter one. Hyunjin could be warm, loving, affectionate.

The younger man pressed a slobbery kiss to Chan’s cheek, giggling as he pulled away from the embrace. Chan mustered the warmest smile he could, trying to mask the hurt that Hyunjin’s slurred words slapped into him. His face was flushed and his eyes were glassy. A quick glance at his bare arms and low cut neckline told him that he hadn’t stumbled over - thank fuck. The last time he’d turned up he was covered in bruises and scratches. It wasn’t until the next morning that Hyunjin had remembered what they were from - stumbling into a thorn bush and passing out for an hour.

“We ran out a couple of days ago love, I’m sorry.” Chan said, offering him sympathy for the snack he loved so much not being available. Hyunjin pouted, throwing the pot he’d poured water into in the sink. CHan flinched at the sound and watched as Hyunjin began rifling through the cupboards once more. 

“Where have you been tonight?”

“Just out and about you know how I am, like visiting lots of different places.” He was throwing an assortment of snack packets onto the counter, and each time he pulled forth another Chan groaned on the inside at how much he would have to clean up in the morning. 

Chan sighed, trying his best not to let the words about to leave his lips hurt Hyunjin in his drunken state.

“I do know you baby and it’s really worrying when you go out like this. You could get it in dangerous situations with no-one to help,” Chan confessed. The raven-haired man before him stilled his motions, hair swaying in his eyes as he stared at his boyfriend. Chan shouldn’t be the one hurting so much but the way Hyunjin vacantly gazed through him was one of the many reasons he was questioning what he was doing with his life - fighting for a love with someone who couldn’t keep himself out of harm's way, someone who was hurting and Chan had no reason why.

“I can’t keep doing this Hyunjin.”

“What do you mean?”

Chan’s voice caught in his throat as he backed away from his boyfriend, unable to fully process where he was going with the statement to begin with. He couldn’t do this when he was drunk, not when he was most vulnerable. It wasn’t fair on either of them.

Chan can’t believe he fucking said anything, and he couldn’t go back now. Not when Hyunjin had already fixated on the words that had left his mouth.

“Sorry I - Hey how about you come to bed and we can watch something,” Chan started to reason. He’d already said the wrong thing and there was no possible way to go back in time and keep his mouth clamped tight. The best thing he could do was offer Hyunjin a distraction, to fall asleep and leave it until the morning.

“No Chan, what the hell did you mean by _can’t keep doing this_? Am I not good enough for you now?”

Hyunjin could also be cold, distant, and apathetic.

Hyunjin grabbed hold of his arm, a little too tightly and his fingernails dug into Chan’s skin as he pulled away. Chan yelped, looking down at the claw marks on his forearm, the little streams of blood that began to trickle down.

_Let it slide. It doesn’t matter. Go to bed. He’s not himself._

The same old mantra. Except this time, it wasn’t grounding Chan - it was just making him hurt even more. 

The younger’s eyes filled with tears, the shame, and regret of his actions already taking hold of him. 

_Visibly consuming._

“Baby, baby I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-” Hyunjin’s tears fell without warning. Streams of them spread over his cheeks as his back slid down the side of the countertop. He collapsed onto the floor, sobs ripping right through him. The guilt eating away at Chan nearly swallowed him whole. 

“I’m so fucking stupid. I’m a terrible person,” Hyunjin sobbed into his hands, strands of hair sticking to his face where snot and tears mixed together. 

“Come to bed love, it’s fine.”

It wasn’t fine. It was far from fine. 

Chan placed a hand over his shoulder, rubbing his thumb softly over his clothed skin. Hyunjin finched, turning further away from in and closer towards the cabinet under the sink.

It shouldn’t have rubbed Chan the way it did, but his blood began to boil. He was frustrated, tired of the same old shit that would happen when Hyunjin was too intoxicated. He wanted to be his shoulder to cry on, the person that he could turn to when all else failed. Not the bottle, not the bars, not the strangers he talked to for hours on end. What use was being a significant other when his boyfriend didn’t seem to trust him enough to confide in, that he trusted alcohol more than the person who was unequivocally devoted to him.

“No,” Hyunjin sobbed. He curled up on the kitchen floor, turning his back to Chan who had kneeled down towards him.

Chan felt sick leaving him alone in the kitchen for more than a few minutes but he paced into the bedroom, pulling their pillows off the bed as well as the duvet.

“If you’re going to be stubborn then I’m going to sleep here with you,” Chan made sure his tone was warm, that even though Hyunjin couldn’t see him that he could feel the comfort he was offering him. He knelt once more, tentatively slipping his hand under Hyunjin’s neck. His boyfriend sobbed harder as Chan placed the pillow underneath him, curling further in on himself. Chan lay down behind him, placing a second pillow underneath his own head. He pulled the duvet over them, reaching around Hyunjin’s waist to pull it closer around him.

“Love please, stop crying. I said it’s okay,” Chan spoke softly, mouth close to Hyunjin’s ear. His boyfriend sniffled, turning over to face Chan.

“I hurt you. That’s not okay,” Hyunjin’s lip wobbled as he gazed at Chan. He looked a right mess, puffy eyes, dried snot and tears all over his face. Chan reached out to cup his cheek, pull him closer against his chest.

“It’s fine,” he soothed him. Hyunjin’s hand snaked up his back, tightly holding on to Chan as he comforted him. 

Hyunjin raised his head, tilting his chin upwards as he said “It’s not. I’m fucked up. I’m horrible.”

Chan is reminded of a saying he heard some of the students say when he was back in Australia - _sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me._

Words had never hurt more, and Chan just wished Hyunjin couldn’t see the tears brimming in his own eyes. He pushed his lips towards his boyfriend’s forehead, pressing his lips tightly to his dewy skin.

“Hyunjin, you’re perfectly fine.”

Lie number three.

Hyunjin balled his fist as he clutched Chan’s shirt under the duvet, wiping his face with his free hand. There was a pause between his sobs, and before Chan knew it Hyunjin was pressing his lips against his. 

Lips that fitted perfectly, that knew the most sensitive spots to nip at.

“Do you still love me?” Hyunjin mumbled against his mouth. He stunk like cheap alcohol and cigarettes and yet Chan couldn’t push him away. Chan kissed him back, his right hand rising to rest against Hyunjin’s chest.

That’s exactly what was tearing Chan apart.

As he kissed Hyunjin back on the kitchen floor he tried his best to shove it all down, bury it like he had been successfully so far.

He couldn’t unlove Hyunijn, no matter how much he sometimes tried.

No matter how much he needed to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin considers what bringing down his walls would do to his and chan's relationship. time blurs into one big clump and hyunjin makes a mistake - one with harsh consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please read the tags. this chapter includes sections on hyunjin's mental health - both explicit and things to be read between the lines. some of this may read a bit choppy - this is intentional to show the gaps in hyunjin's memory and how time blends together for him.

Hyunjin was used to feeling alone. 

So many people could be around him and yet he’d still feel like the only person in the room. It was comforting at times, that he could tune the voices around him out, but at the same time it was dangerous - locking himself in his mind with the demons that roamed around without a leash.

He was reaching for the wine as usual - his poison of choice. It went down easy, and if he tried hard enough it would seem as though he had a genuine interest in the process of making the sweet liquid. Instead, it was just the thing that inebriated him the easiest, gave him a release from the edge he was feeling after just the first glass.

He looked at his phone, the three messages that Chan had sent him after leaving to hang out with his friends. Hyunjin couldn’t bear to open them, not wanting to feel the shame just yet of the worry his boyfriend would have for leaving him in the apartment alone, only days after his last blowup. 

He didn’t quite remember what happened when he’d returned home that night, but when he woke up he was cuddled into Chan on the kitchen floor with a splitting headache and a dry mouth. It took him everything not to spill his stomach contents all over Chan, angling his throat at just the right degree for everything to fall into the sink.

Hyunjin rarely threw up from a hangover so when he did he knew it must have been a rough night. 

He had a blank spot from the minute he walked into the kitchen until waking up, and he really didn’t want to ask Chan what had happened. Eventually, when they’d gotten into the shower together did Hyunjin notice the scratch marks on Chan’s forearm, the way his boyfriend winced as the raw cuts stung under the water. 

He knows he should reply to Chan, he could lie and say he was working on his portfolio, that he wasn’t going to leave the apartment. At least one of those was true. Instead, he turned the tv volume up, letting the music pull him into a trance as he poured himself another glass. 

No-one knew about how he’d been through six different therapists and counselors since high school. No-one knew that when he brought up how he’d been feeling to his general practitioner when he was sixteen, that he was dismissed and told he wouldn’t be given medication because he was just a ‘child’. It stung, that no matter how hard Hyunjin tried to change, better himself - reach out for fucking help, that it would be twisted against him. That no-one would understand.

Alcohol had soon become the sweetest release, it took the edge off so well, gave him the confidence to interact with those around him without second-guessing his every word and movement. It was after he’d started relying on the substance that the blackouts started happening, that he became a different person when he was drunk - or so that’s what he heard. Hyunjin would cringe, be filled for weeks on end with absolute dread, guilt, and shame over what he could and couldn’t remember from the night before. 

It was toxic but he still tried justifying it. He was fine, Hyunjin was always _fine_.

After polishing off the first bottle of wine he stood in front of the fridge, fingers twitching as he battled with himself. He knows he shouldn’t open another, knowing full well that he will drain it dry. He knows Chan is going to come home, think god knows what about him when he sees two bottles of wine empty. He shook his head, clenching his eyes shut as he unscrewed the bottle top, and pressed it to his lips. His hand slipped as he went to place the wine glass in the sink, and the sound of glass shattering filled the kitchen. He rolled his eyes, groaning at yet another mess he’d made. 

“Will clean it before he gets home,” he slurs to himself while navigating his way back to the lounge. The second bottle goes down easy, exactly like water. He turned off the tv, the noise becoming too much with his anxieties that started creeping in. 

“No. Can’t think now,” he tells himself. He felt nauseous, probably because of the alcohol but also from the worry of Chan coming home while he was still awake and drunk. It was different when it was himself arriving home, but the other way around? It instilled a strange fear in him, paralyzed him in a way that made him feel like he was a child getting caught doing something he shouldn’t.

He closed his eyes for a moment, neck pressed against the back of the couch, but a moment was enough for him to slip and fall into the chaos that was his alcohol-induced slumber.

**❅**

Hyunjin passed out minutes before Chan unlocked the front door. He could hear the music blaring in the lounge, and quickly shuffled off his shoes in the entryway. He padded into the living room and spotted Hyunjin on the couch. His head was in an uncomfortable angle as he’d fallen asleep sitting up. Chan placed his wallet and keys down on the counter and shuffled next to Hyunjin. He looked at the quarter of a bottle of wine on the table, at the empty one on the floor. He shook his head, chewing on his bottom lip as he pulled Hyunjin into his arms. He stunk like the cheap wine he’d downed, the smell filling Chan’s nostrils unbearably. Hyunjin stirred in his arms, eyes peeling open to gaze at his boyfriend. 

“You’re home,” Hyunjin slurred, tightening his arms around Chan’s neck.

“I’m home,” Chan repeated back to him. Hyunjin’s eyes were glassy, bloodshot and his lips were so chapped and dry. Chan tore his eyes from them, instead focusing on pulling back the bedcovers to slip Hyunjin inside. 

“I want to take you somewhere special tomorrow. Can we go somewhere special tomorrow love?” 

Hyunjin nodded lazily, slurring something incomprehensible as Chan tucked him in under the covers. He smiled, and rubbed away the drool that had collected at the side of his mouth.

“What was that?”

Hyunjin sat up in the bed, pulling Chan under the covers next to him. Hyunjin pressed his lips tenderly to Chan’s and Chan let him pepper his lips with wet kisses. He knew he shouldn’t enjoy it but his boyfriend’s affectionate habits were one of the reasons why he loved him so much. Hyunjin could make Chan feel so loved yet so unloved at the exact same moment. It was cruel, but that was what Chan was struggling to come to terms with after all. How someone he loved, he adored was becoming another person entirely. 

“We can,” Hyunjin replied, resting his head on Chan’s shoulders.

This Hyunjin was warm, this Hyunjin was loving. 

This Hyunjin also fell back asleep within five minutes. 

This Hyunjin had Chan slipping out of bed to cry in the bathroom, fearful to wake up his boyfriend as sadness and guilt pulled him apart.

**❅**

“Hyunie,” Chan started. 

Hyunjin pressed a kiss to Chan’s cheek, pulling back and waiting for his boyfriend to continue. 

“I love you so much,” his boyfriend whispered. He raised his hand to cup Hyunjin’s cheek, letting his other hand’s thumb trace up the line of his jaw.

His boyfriend has driven them out to an abandoned park that couples apparently liked to go to for date nights. Hyunjin had no idea how Chan had heard of the place but he couldn’t lie - it was eerie and beautiful and the sky was setting in shades of yellow and purple above them. His hangover had worn off just after mid-day - two bottles of wine was an easy night and the headache he’d nursed from lunchtime had finally worn off, only leaving him with tiredness fogging his brain. 

“I’m always going to catch you, but I can’t watch you slip and take me down with you.”

Hyunjin grimaced, yet made himself look Chan in the eyes.

There was nothing there but love. Nothing but devotion. Nothing telling him that he wasn’t able to be trusted. But Hyunjin had trusted the voices for so long that he couldn’t just ignore them now. As much as he wanted to trust Chan it just wasn’t an option right now. Maybe if he had a drink he might consider divulging the smallest bit of what goes on his mind. 

Hyunjin nodded, pressed their lips together, a distraction in place of the thoughts prying at the corners of his mind. At least intimacy helped to leash the demons roaming inside. Chan keened into the kiss, one hand falling to grip Hyunjin’s waist. 

Hyunjin tasted like lemonade and toothpaste. He tasted sober. 

Chan’s hand carded through Hyunjin’s long hair, gently pulling apart the knots and grinning when Hyunjin grunts into his mouth. Chan pulls away first, lips swollen and covered in drool.

“How about a break for a week? Give your body some time to rest and recover? Look, I’ll even take a break with you.”

Chan held out his pinky finger, waiting for Hyunjin to lock it around his own. It was a child’s promise, one that so many would break eventually, or a promise that some had no intention of keeping at all. Hyunjin knew this best, he’d known this his entire twenty-three years of life.

Hyunjin’s voice wobbled as he said, “Easy for you to say babe, you don’t drink anywhere near as much as I do.”

“It doesn’t matter how much I drink love, it’s the fact that I’m doing it with you. That I’m showing you I’m supporting you.”

“I-I know I have a p-problem-” Hyunjin was becoming flustered.

Panicked.

“I’m not going to force you to tell me things you clearly don’t want to Hyun, but if you need me, please… I’m your boyfriend for a reason. My shoulder, my heart - I’m here for you to lean on.”

There was silence.

Hyunjin was considering it. One wall, just one - it wouldn't hurt to rip down just _one._

“Thank you baby. I, I love you so much.”

Hyunjin embraced Chan tightly, squeezing so firmly it bordered on frightening. Chan squeezed him back, warmly whispering into his ear, “I love you. More than anything.”

**❅**

Sobriety lasted all of two days since that night with Chan at the park.

“Hyunjin maybe you need help,” Minho said from across the booth. Hyunjin blinked. Once, twice, a third for good measure. Minho did not just fucking say that in front of everyone.

Hyunjin thought tonight would be fun, easy. These were his friends that he was able to trust, that he knew wouldn’t dare bring up what he didn’t want out in the open. Yet here he was, and Minho decided it was a good time to start airing out his dirty laundry in front of Jisung and Jeongin.

“I honestly don’t know why Chan just sits by and lets you do this to yourself. Look at you, you can barely look me in the eye, you're so wasted.”

Hyunjin stood from the booth, trying to push past Jisung who was next to him. He couldn’t listen to them blame Chan. It was him. It was all him, he couldn’t sit there despite being drunk and let Chan take all the blame for Hyunjin’s issues. Jisung tried interrupting Minho but his friend had had enough, enough of seeing Hyunjin spiraling out of control right in front of them. If no-one else was going to say anything then who else would.

“D-Don’t bring Chan in this, he did nothing.” Hyunjin was slurring and everything was beginning to spin.

"Min it's not the time or place. We should take him home," Jisung spoke from beside him.

Voices were deafening his ears and his skin felt on fire. His mouth tasted rancid, his teeth too heavy. His throat was burning from the inside out.

He felt sick.

He needed to run. 

“Chan is enabling you whether you both know it or not,” Minho said across the table.

Anger filled his body - mixed with the alcohol in his veins and the uncontrollable pain, he did the easiest thing he could.

“Hyunjin stop!”

His fist lands over Minho’s cheek, his friend’s body flinging back in his seat from the force of the punch. Jisung held onto his shoulders, yelling for him to stop. Jeongin sat stunned next to Minho for a moment, quickly checking on Minho’s face when he’d fully taken in what Hyunjin had just done. 

“Like I said you need help.” Minho had tears in his eyes as he stood from the table. Jisung was holding onto his arm, begging for Hyunjin to stay seated, to have some of his water. 

Hyunjin followed, stumbling after his friend and slurring as many “sorry’s” as he could manage. His foot catches at the bar and he slips, hands failing to catch himself as his temple connected with the side of the table.

Hyunjin’s vision is taken from him as he falls to the floor, taken by darkness. 

Hyunjin had broken the one promise he wished he hadn’t.

**❅**

Hyunjin woke to the sound of monitors beeping, and the smell of things much too sterile for his liking. He woke to someone stroking his hand, fingers tightly woven through his in a desperate attempt at keeping him close, like they were scared that if they let go that he would disappear. His eyes fluttered open, the disorientating glare of the hospital lighting making him feel queasy as he rested his gaze on Chan. His boyfriend’s head was resting against his hospital bed, hands clutching his own. Hyunjin felt ashamed, he felt guilty. 

To be frank, he wanted to vanish. 

Disappear. 

“I said I’d catch you if you fell but Hyunjin I was nowhere near you.” Tears began to roll down Chan’s cheek, and the pain in his voice was all a little too much. Chan was unaware he was awake just yet, unaware of his vulnerability.

Hyunjin lowered his eyes, unable to look at Chan as he sobbed into the bed.

“I can’t always be there to pick up the pieces,” Chan was sobbing. Chan didn’t know how much guilt he was causing to flood Hyunjin’s lungs, how hard it was becoming to breathe.

Hyunjin didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he didn’t mean for any of this to happen.

“Please stop hurting yourself. All of us are just trying to help, Minho was only trying to help. I’m your boyfriend, I want to help you get better. I want you to feel safe confiding in me,” Chan begged. 

“Please wake up already,” Chan whispered. His fingers rubbed soothing circles into Hyunjin’s knuckles, every touch vibrating across his whole body. Hyunjin raised his eyes, tears dripping down onto the hospital bed sheets.

“Minho said you enable me,” Hyunjin choked out. Chan’s head rose, eyes bulging as Hyunjin broke his silence. His shoulders started to shake, his nose screwed up and the tears started to freely fall. Chan rushed to shut the door to his hospital room and pulled the curtains across the small windows. Privacy. Hyunjin needed privacy. He crawled under the covers, squeezing in as tightly as he could next to his boyfriend.

“When we get home I’m going to make a fort for us. We can watch lots of movies and we’ll get all your favourite snacks… We’ll camp out there as long as you like. I can get time off work easy,” Chan mumbled against his cheek. He wiped away Hyunjin’s tears, unable to stop pressing his lips to his forehead. There was a bandage on the right side of his head, and it hurt when he moved his head too fast to face his boyfriend.

“I’m not sick Chan,” Hyunjin whispered. 

He _was_ sick. He was really fucking sick. But he could overcome this on his own. Denial was better than facing it head-on. Better than losing Chan if he really told him what went on inside the prison that was his mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kind of hate this chapter a lot. things were bad this week and i don't know if i succeeded in getting the feelings i want felt from this on the page correctly. but i can't let it sit here any longer otherwise i might never finish it.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos or comments are greatly appreciated and help me know i'm on the right track with the content i'm creating. they really make writer's days and thanks isn't enough to use to describe how much we appreciate it ♡
> 
> links to my socials:  
> [1\. twitter](https://twitter.com/hyunchansao3) if anyone would like to follow for updates, and sneak peeks on wips and such  
> [2\. cc](https://curiouscat.qa/hyunchansao3) if you prefer anonymity! i also take requests :)


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